Wednesday, January 26, 2011

King Of Anything

♫ Who made you 'King Of Anything' ? Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything

Have you ever asked anyone this question?  

Has this question ever been asked of you?

Listening to this song makes me focus on my own control issues. And how I really do need to face them head on and deal with them. You've heard the saying, 'the first step to recovery is admitting there's a problem'. So here I am, admitting that I have a problem. I have control issues.

Perhaps like so many other issues people have, my control issue stems from my childhood. Okay, what doesn't stem from our childhood. Heck, that's where we were molded into the people we are today. Now don't misunderstand the intentions of my blog. I'm not going to start placing blame on anyone for any reason for any of my current problems. I have only myself to blame for getting off track throughout my life. People know and understand right from wrong almost from birth. If you think about it, manipulation is one of the very first behaviors we tackle.

Ma-nip-u-late [muh-nip-yuh-leyt] = –verb (used with object), -lat·ed, -lat·ing.
1. to manage or influence skillfully, esp. in an unfair manner: to manipulate people's feelings.

A baby comes into this world knowing at least the sound of its mother's voice [or surrogate's voice]. And from there the baby can focus on that person coming to their aide when they are hungry, need to be changed, tired or just want to be comforted. Manipulation comes into play when the child begins to understand that there's a pattern created when he "cries" for any reason.

          "That voice!", the child says to himself. "The comforters voice will be here soon to
            see what I need."

And so it begins.

What we learn about manipulation during childhood is what molds us into the people we are today. Kids begin to understand this and some use it to their advantage. Take a minute here to think back on some of the [innocent or not so innocent] manipulations that you perpetrated as a child. And remember that when you point your index finger accusingly towards someone, you have three of your own fingers pointing right back at yourself. So no blaming others.

Personally, growing up I didn't always feel a sense of calm or peace in my house. It was as if we lived on top of a ticking time bomb. We all had our good days and our not so good days. When it was good, it was very very good. But when it was bad, it was horrid. So I bet it was during those not so good times that I developed my very own coping mechanisms.

Whatever I felt I could control...I did! And whatever I felt I couldn't control at that moment I could consider it a challenge to be dealt with at a later date. And throughout, I could manipulate situations in a manner that best suited me.

Now that I'm in my forties, I still have that need to be in control. And in some cases, it's in the most tedious of tasks. It's almost as if I think to myself, "if I don't do it then it won't be done right!". Like doing the dishes. We have a small family so I don't like to untilze the dishwasher. I tell my husband that, "we'd have to use every dish in the kitchen to make the cycle worth it". God love him! He'll just look at me the way he does sometimes and then just walk away. Probably saying to himself, "God loves the crazies too!". 

So even when I'm doing the dishes by hand, in the spacious dishpan centered on the righthand side of the sink with the hot soapy water at just the right temperature, I feel that I am in control. When I can wipe down the walls and mop the floors just the way I see fit, then I feel that I am in control. 

Perhaps being in control of some situations isn't so bad after all. If you pick your battles just right, then who's to say that you can't be King Of Anything!